


Not knowing

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:34:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader can’t move on after Bucky fell from the train  AUWarning: Mentions of death





	Not knowing

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

It’s been so long since you saw his face since you could play with his brown hair. The pain and the grief were too heavy to carry on your own, but you couldn’t share it with him. Steve was grieving on his own. You and he were similar in many ways. Both were super soldiers and both cared for Bucky. You and Steve were now in the modern world, lost in all technology and new faces. Steve wanted to learn about everything that he missed, but not you. 

You couldn’t forget the man that you loved deeply. Just wanting to feel his touch on your skin, to hold him close, to inhale his scent, but he wasn’t there. He was just a memory, lost in the wind. Carrying him in your heart was getting more difficult day after day. Losing so much in your life, but not seeing people who care for you now. Steve was trying to help you, to cheer you up. He can’t remember when he saw you smiling. It’s been a while. You were living with Steve in an apartment in Brooklyn. He wanted to look after you, seeing him so worried you agreed to live with your friend. Every day early in the morning you would wake up before Steve and go to Bucky’s grave. Today wasn’t any different. After twenty minutes of walking you sat beside his grave stone. Putting red rose on the ground, the same one that he would bring you every morning. One red rose he would put on your nightstand.

____________________________________________________

˝Morning love˝, you exhale ˝I was thinking about us lately, remembering all the silly things you did for me. It is hard living without you˝, you said playing with his dog tags. ˝Why can’t you come back? Why were you on that train? ˝, tears were falling down your cheeks.˝I didn’t cry that day, I was trying to be strong as you always told me to be, I never thought that you can lose someone twice in the same life. I lost you. The last memory that I carry with me is when you were yelling at me. It was stupid, our fight. I always knew that you wanted to fight for your country. Did you have to die two times for the same purpose? ˝, the salt of tears were staying on your lips, ˝ Seventy years James, seventy years… I’m still waiting… You found me once, maybe you will find me the second time because I feel stupid talking here where is buried only your empty casket. I think that you and I will never be at peace, your body was never found, you were lost in the snow. I wanted to give you that peace, but everything changed. Where you fell, now there is a city, your body buried underneath, in a foreign country, far from your home. ˝, You held your breath before saying. ˝I loved you, from the moment that I met you. ˝

______________________________________________________________________

˝Hey, early bird˝, Steve greeted you while you were closing the door.

˝Carry to join? ˝, he asked,  eating cereals.

˝Well I’m hungry… So, ˝, you took off your jacket and shoes.

Steve took another bowl and put on the table. You wash your hands and sat across from him.

˝So, where were you? ˝, he asked, taking more milk. He wasn’t sure where you were going every morning, but he could have guessed and he would guess right.

˝Visiting˝, it was the only thing you said.

˝You should let go (Y/N) ˝

˝You know that I can’t and you can’t do it either˝

˝He is gone and he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. You are killing yourself˝, he raised his voice, genuinely concern for your health.

˝Like you would know what he wanted? ˝, you yelled, moving away from him.

˝He was my best friend (Y/N). ˝, his voice as a whisper.

˝Then you shouldn’t have left him to die˝, you said with contempt and walked away.

__________________________________________________________________

It wasn’t his fault. You knew that, but you were in pain and how bad it sounds you didn’t want to be only one in it. After half an hour you came to Steve’s room. You knocked a few times, after not hearing anything you walked in. Steve was sitting on his bed with his head on the headboard. You could easily tell that he was crying and you were responsible for it.

˝I didn’t mean it Steve, I am sorry˝, coming closer to his bed you sat next to him.

˝I’m sorry, I wasn’t there for you˝, he said, putting an arm around your shoulder.

˝How did we let this happen Steve, we were both there that day? ˝

˝I don’t know˝, he said with tears in his puffy eyes.

You lay your head on his shoulder. Your salty tears were falling on his grey shirt.

˝Do you think that he found peace? ˝, you asked quietly.

˝I hope so˝, he answered not knowing that on the other side of the world Bucky was being brainwashed, completely alone and scared while they were safe in each other’s arms.


End file.
